Brian D. Perskin & Associates

What to Avoid Doing When You Suspect Your Spouse Has Cheated

If you suspect your spouse has been cheating and you are considering a divorce, there are a few things you should avoid doing. Otherwise, you could end up allowing your resolve to weaken, leading to you taking back your partner despite your knowledge of the affair. If you are considering leaving the marriage at this point, consider some steps you should avoid taking.

Don't Confront Your Spouse Without Evidence

You cannot expect your spouse to be truthful after hiding an affair or one night stand from you. Therefore, do not expect a straight answer when you point blank ask about the infidelity. In fact, don't ask at all. Instead, wait until you have some proof you can confront your spouse with. This may include printouts of emails, phone bills, or photos you have found on the computer or phone. This should catch your spouse off guard, giving you a better chance of getting the truth instead of a story.

Make Your Own Plans Before Confronting the Cheater

You will probably be talked into staying in the marriage, or at least feeling sorry for your spouse, unless you have a plan first. If you are dead set on divorcing, you should talk to a divorce lawyer before you even confront your spouse. Make sure you have the right paperwork and know how to get the divorce started as soon as you can. Of course, if you think there could be a good explanation for your spouse's behavior, and you have no proof of the cheating, you may want to wait for a confession or some evidence before filing for divorce. But just know what you plan to do in case your spouse indeed has been cheating, since this reduces the chance you will be talked out of leaving the marriage.

Don't Blame Yourself

If you are considering giving your spouse a second chance, you may be making excuses in your head to justify the decision. You may be wondering if it's your fault because you gained weight, have been working a lot, or have simply not been connecting with your spouse. However, remember it is not your fault your spouse cheated. Even if you decide to stay in the marriage, do not blame yourself for the infidelity. This is a common mistake many people make, and it does not help anyone. Even if there were problems in the marriage, there is no excuse for cheating.

If you decide to stay married, you should get help for your spouse through counseling. This may help you get to the bottom of your spouse's underlying issue, and it may also keep it from happening again. But your spouse has to want to fix the marriage, too. Otherwise, it may be time to find a qualified divorce lawyer so you can leave your spouse and show him or her that infidelity does not belong in a marriage.

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